Contemplating My Death
We all die.
The elements of our body will eventually surrender and return to the dirt.
But where do we go?
Nowhere.
As we move closer to the transition, when the machine of the body finally loses the condition to live... where do we go?
It must be somewhere!
But what if it isn’t?
What if it is nowhere?
And what if this was the case not just at the end, but throughout the whole of our lived lives?
That makes for a nice story about emptiness.
But it does not keep me warm as the cold sets in.
It does not stave off the reality of getting sick, of getting old.
So, I look for comfort.
I look for a story to save me.
Go for refuge to the Buddha.
That is a nice idea. I like the Buddha. He seems at peace. At least, that is what the stone and copper rupas I bought tell me. But a rock in the river shows peace as well. This one is just carved to look like a man. I doubt he always smiled so peacefully when he was walking in the dust, hungry and thirsty.
Go for refuge to the Dharma.
All those wise words from 'perfect' practitioners of the past. That is another lovely story. "I should practice exactly like them," a voice inside me whispers. "Be ethical, meditate, become wise. I can be an example to the masses." A performance. A beginner's guess.
Go for refuge to the Sangha.
Hold on. Are we not all just as confused as each other? As scared as each other? There is no safety in numbers here. I am essentially on my own in this life. Even those I consider spiritual friends can really only keep me company over an occasional cup of tea by my bus.
So what do I do? Who do I believe? You? Oh my goodness, that made me laugh.
I throw a log on to the campfire. I will call this piece: Reality. It is dense ironwood. It burns hot and long, and the sparks that fly up illuminate the dark. I am seated in the Charnel Ground of my everyday. I witness the raw data, before the stories, before society's filters, the Triratna take.
Here, the earth of my body meets the dirt beneath my seat.
My breath meets the wind.
A tear falls.
We recognise each other.
And I relax.
